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May 19th, 2009
08:31 pm
I need a hair cut.
like seriously.
my hair is so long..and it makes me sadddd.
I went to the coast last week with Jane:)
we stayed for 2 nites and it was way fun.
and it was so nice to be around her.
shes the most amazing person..hella.
and i got the coolest new pipe.
i lovee it.
went to work today!
for the first time in foreverr. so im pretty much exhausted from working 5 hours.
but its good to know I will have a pay check in june.
even tho i hate my job...im so depressed when i don't have a purpose.
so for now i can deal with the stupid people and just make some money.
things are starting to get better.
so i hope i don't get sick again:(
its the worst..i talked with a doctor and he thought i had an anxiety disorder.
along with depression. so im going to be getting meds for awhile to help me get better.
i can't afford to lose anymore weight..ughhhh..
so i continue to try and think happy thoughts..and not worry because that is what i believe brings on my sickness.
:) ima smoke a bowl and watch a movie.
hella.
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May 2nd, 2009
04:08 am
what am i doing?
feels so right...
feels so.....perfect? i know nothing is perfect..but damn. this is so close.
ughhh...
don't know what to do..
hmmm.
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February 2nd, 2009
10:10 am
Im so glad everyone is so self involved.
Its really nice, I mean if I could only think about myself all the time it would be great.
Im so sick and fucking tired of people who suck.
Im sick of feeling second best. And Im really sick of being pushed aside like I don't fucking matter to you. But its ok, because I've decided Im done trying to be something I can't be for you. Forever I will be jealous of you, and all the friends that you have because its pretty lonely to be me. But once again I have been let down by someone I care about and I really really am done doing this to myself.
Im glad I have jane.
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November 15th, 2008
10:52 pm - It was the...
Mono that got me!
Gosh, so glad to finally know tho.
But pissed it took so damn long to find out:(
Feeling 100% back to normal, went back to work tonite..and it felt good:)
Getting my first credit card in the next week or sooo.
Pretty excited, and I know we're responsible enough to be good with our payments everymonth.
Also means I get to get travis something nice for christmas:)
He wants a snowboard..and I figure he can get that and we will pay it back. It just makes me feel good about life. Plus I get to go buy some new clothes since I never have money to do that either:):). I think it will make life a bit better, and we pay all our bills every month so I know it will be ok:).
Life if back to normal and its getting better.
My birthday is in less than 2 months, so thats cool too:)
Ohh and Thanksgiving is coming, so so so excited.
Yummy food and grandmas getting drunk hopefully:)
Ahhh. Im happy:)
And a few weeks ago, before I got uber sick.
Rayvn came over and we spent the day together.
It was great and made me feel so good.
More times to come, and I love her.
I miss my Janet so much though:(
Like hella dearyyy.
And I love you too!
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November 9th, 2008
07:31 pm
This last week has been the worst of my life probably.
Since last sunday I have been so sick, to the point where I had to stay overnite at the hospital. I got poked in the same fucking place like 7 times, pretty much sucked. But today I am better, although still pretty weak.
Missed a week of school and work...really sucksss..
And nobody knows whats wrong with me, all my test were fine but I know that theres something wrong with me. This isn't normal, I have been dealing with this for about 4 months now, and I am really hopeing that this is it. But who knows, it could come back like it has been.
Anyways. I pretty much sleep and eat apple sauce:)
Got a doctors appt. tomorrow, hopefully she'll know whats wrong with me.
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October 20th, 2008
03:43 pm
Ya know...
I've had a lot of time to think about.
And I've reliezed a few things.
I've had these feelings for the past few months and just never had the guts to say anything.
But today is the day.
I feel for pretty much my whole life I've had bad friends.
Today I can safely say that I have a few good friends.
But I still have friends who are to into there own lives to reach out and try to keep our friendship. I feel like I've tried to keep in touch and either I don't get any reply or we'd talk for a few minutes. And how sometimes you'll come into Lebanon and not make any attempt to see me. It just makes me feel like Im not good enough, so I stopped trying because I don't enjoy being let down. So if I haven't been there for you when your going through a tough time, Im sorry. But you should take into consideration how some of your friends might be feeling.
No matter what I love all of my friends.
But I had to get this off my chest because its been eating away at me.
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September 27th, 2008
10:12 pm - lately.
Things have been decent.
The apartment is great:)
Its really nice being able to have people over and to actually have a place to kick it at:)
Travis and I couldn't be happier, and well we have our lovely dogggyy;)
I start school on monday:(
I only have 2 classes so its not going to be that bad, but Im not looking forward to waking up early.
Work is alright I guess...
I mean its money and its not like the job is hard at all.
But damn do I hate the bitch who runs the BK here.
I'd like to throw a whopper right at her pretty little face.
As of lately I have realized that I feel rather lonely.
Really its only when Travis isn't home to keep me company.
But I miss having friends to hangout with, not that I don't still have friends..
but I don't know..I guess its just feels like I've drifted away from a few people.
But I guess thats just the how things are.
Overall I am pretty happy about life:)
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August 10th, 2008
12:11 pm - So much
Has been going on lately.
Travis and I got our own place together, its so nice:)
Its a brand new apartment building where queen anne used to be.
The bad thing about it is that we cant have Dammit:(
So we are currently trying to find him a good home, hopefully someone we know that way we could still see him.
Have been working at burger king for about a month now, easy job but pretty lame.
School starts next month woot! Just got to figure out what Im going to do.
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May 26th, 2008
05:31 pm
I've finally started to relieze who my friends are.
I actually only have a few real friends.
You know.. the ones who actually try and talk to me.
Or try and hangout with me.
Im sick of being let down by the people I care about.
Im pretty much done putting out the effort to keep my friendships going, seeing how knowone else seems to care all that much. So the way I see it is, why should I care if you don't? Everyone is to involved with there lives and problems to reach out and try to keep a good friend. So I say fuck it.
I've got a boyfriend who I love,
an adorable doggy who I love a lot.
and it feels like thats pretty much it these days.
Maybe I should be happy? Hard to be when all your old friends don't give you the time of day anymore.
I've always been second best.
Never been good enough maybe?
I just don't get it.
I try hard to keep in touch and let my friends know I miss them and I get shit back from anyone.
If I want to talk to anyone I have to make the effort and maybe..just maybe they will actually respond. Maybe I've just been mistaken the whole time, maybe I was never as close to some as I thought. I just don't know. But Im sick of how people make me feel.
Im done trying.
Because I seem to get let down.
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April 25th, 2008
05:40 pm
Im happy.
Thats really all there is to say.
Life is good and I feel excited about my future.
He isn't the same anymore.
He's better.
It makes me feel really good.
And I love that dog:)
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March 5th, 2008
05:24 pm
Things are really good right now:)
Its so nice to feel happy with life.
Spring break is soooon and Cam, Rayvn and I are going to see Janet for a few days.
Im uber excited!!!! Its going to be the best.
Plus my sister has been in a recovery place for a few weeks:):)
She decided to go on her own and its really making a difference.
I was so happy when she told me that she was going.
I just want her to be happy, and its just made family life feel normal?
Everything just feels like its falling into place and Im really happy about it.
Andd.
I have the most amazing friends.
Without my Janet, Rayvn and Ash I'd be so lost.
And Cameron just.....makes me so happy.
I miss him when he's not around and when I get to see him Im so excited!
Im just a happy camper.
:D
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February 22nd, 2008
05:22 pm
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
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January 4th, 2008
08:48 pm - Hung
Over today.
Drank to much last nite.
But was so much fun.
Hung out with Jackie and Rhory.
Was so nice to just get out of the house and hangout with people!
Until I got home..and couldn't get my pj's on.
and then I puked..and Cameron held my hair for me:)
Never had anyone do that.
It was nice.
And he put me to bed.
18 in less than 48 hours:)
tight.
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December 30th, 2007
07:10 pm - Train
This last week or so has been rather nice.
Minus the fact that Travis calls me all the time and is still in love with me..
I just wish we could be friends without him having feelings for me..thats what makes me not answer his calls and lie to him when he wants to hangout.
Its just to hard to be around him sometimes, not because I have feelings for him because I don't..but Im happy now, and I wish he was too. If we was then we could be friends. Gahh its just to much for me to handle.
When I go to Bens, damn'it freaks out(in a good way). He gives me so many kisses and sits on me always. And that kills me too, because I miss that puppy so much. Makes me feel good that he remembers me though. Travis says he doesn't act that way with anyone except him..and he doesn't like most girls :D I mean I guess its cause I rock and he loves me. Just wish he was my puppyyy.
I am rather happy that I no longer speak to olivia.
She is a stupid bitch. And for some reason saying that doesn't bother me at all.
Thats really all she is too. Its too bad, we had a good friendship and I thought she'd always be around. I should have never let her back in my life because everytime, she just fucks me in the ass. But I've made my piece with it, I don't need her and I hope when she's all alone she reliezes what a bad friend she was. But this time Im not going to be waiting around. Its done and over with now.
I've got the two best girls in the whole world. Who have always been there and I know always will be. And they're all I need in this world.
I got to spend a lot of time with Rayvn this week, it was so nice.
Just being with one of my best friends made me feel whole again.
Now I just need to steal Janet and the 3 of us can be happy together:D
I turn 18 in a week! Its so crazy, but so exciting:D
Janet and I are going to get tatoos hopefully sometime in January and I can't wait!
And then there's Cam:)
who has stolen my heart, its ok though, i took his too:)
I have so much fun with him. He's so sweet and treats me so good.
I see this going somewhere, and thats exciting:D
<33
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December 24th, 2007
11:23 am - Forgot how much I love Train
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way
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November 18th, 2007
08:39 pm
Figuring out that those who I used to be close with are losers hurts.
What happened to dreams of getting out of here?
Becoming something?
I don't understand.
The ones I love, I love more than life.
But its hard when they're hardly around.
Not because they don't care, just because they don't live here anymore.
Being with my close friends makes me grateful to be alive.
I just wish I was with them more.
Im sick of being pushed around.
If you can't see that your boyfriend is a piece of shit and doesn't care then I just can't be there anymore. you only call when he's been a dick and as soon as he's 'sorry' you forget about me. I say this everytime, but your not a friend. If you can't make time for me when your with him, then I don't have time for you when he's a dick.
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November 16th, 2007
04:10 pm
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
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November 13th, 2007
03:56 pm - ....
I remember this feeling.
Its been years since I've been so....out of words to say.
Since I've felt so amazing that I don't think all the words in the world could show anyone how I feel when Im with him.
Its when I met Dan. thats when I felt this way.
I loved him with everything I had. andd..when we broke up it was the hardest thing I've been through. I never thought I would be ok. I never thought I'd get those feelings back again. Those feelings you can't even put into words.
But when Im with him, I don't know what to do with myself.
The fact that he makes me want to be everything I can be.
He makes me so thankful for life and being happy.
I know its so early.
But I know that I haven't felt this way since Dan.
Im not going to rush it. but Im falling so hard and it actually scares me.
With anyone else other than Dan I've just been with them and enjoyed there company.
But I always rushed into sex or into 'love'. And I don't want to do that this time because I know what I feel is real. I mean everyone knows I love sex, but Im sick of meaningless sex. I want more than that.
The biggest mistake I made with Travis was rushing into everything. And he already means more to me than Travis ever did.
He gives me butterflies..
he makes me want to be a better person.
Being with him just shows me, you don't need drugs or beer to be happy. I can be happy without all of those things in my life. Its time to grow up and have a real relationship. And I think I've actually found what I wanted. Which I never thought would happen..again.
:)
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November 9th, 2007
07:33 pm - :)
Cameron is more than I ever expected.
He's sweet, smart, caring, funny, and so adorable:)
He reminded me how nice it felt to be happy,
i missed it.
Gosh I don't even know how to put into words how amazing I feel when Im with him.
Its like I've known him for so long, and we just met.
He came to my house today,and showed up with Apple Cider that he got for me:) I couldn't believe he rememberd that I liked it:). We watched movies, played video games and listened to music:)
It was so amazing. And he kept saying such sweet things to me, I just couldn't do anything but smile. He said I have such innocent eyes and that they're beautiful. Im trying not to fall to hard, but I can't help it. He calls just to say Hi, and we will only talk for like a minute but its so nice to know he's thinking about me:)
And then the weirdest thing ever happend..
I haven't heard from Travis in atleast a week or more.
And he calls me. And then texts me saying "I just wanted to say Hi and talk for a bit"
who the fuck does that? He doesn't just want to talk, i mean seriously. I don't hate him or anything but I just don't see what we would have to talk about. I mean other than Hi how're you doing type of shit. I was just so surprised by it. I mean all I could think of that he would want to talk about is "us". Or to say that he misses me or something. Maybe Im wrong but Travis has never been one to call outta the blue just to talk after we've been broken up for a month. It was weird but I don't want him in my life like that. We can be myspace friends but Im just over it. But I knew he'd call eventually.
Pretty much I couldn't be happier with life.
I've got the best friends ever.
A boy who amazes me and I've got a life to live:)
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November 6th, 2007
08:15 pm - Lost. Then found again?
I think I had forgotten who I am.
But Im starting to remember now.
My past relationship had clouded my vision so to speak.
But now, things are clear again:)
I really think I had forgotten what I wanted in life and in a relationship.
I knew I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was.
I deserve better than that because I am better than the yelling and screaming. and name calling.
I guess I just always thought it would get better? Or things would change? But they never ever did.
I couldn't be happier with life now.
I know I have so much to look forward too.
I've been talking to this really nice amazing boy.
Who I seem to have a lot in commen with.
Andd Im going on a double date with Rayven, Ryan and him this weekend.
We're going bowling, and well I can hardly wait.
Even though I suck so much at bowling, but Im pretty sure he won't care:)
I missed you self.
Glad your back.
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